So it’s been FOREVER since I updated in here. So sorry for the long hiatus! As the title reflects, there has been a lot of change in the last 3 months. Most of it is on a personal level and really getting right with myself.
First thing I want to point out is that my OCD (of which is why I started this blog) is mostly under control these days and i’m doing great! I only see my OCD therapist as needed and or call her if I get too stuck for my own good. Yes, the intrusive thoughts still happen, but whats CHANGED is how i’ve learned and continued to react or in this case not react. I’ve learned on a gut level that these thoughts aren’t me, they do not define me, and thus they don’t deserve the attention I was once giving them. Yes, I still get nervous in new situations, but i’ve learned to see it as opportunity for growth.
I guess thats another common thing in the last few months, is GROWTH. One thing nobody really tells you or prepares you for is that sometimes growth hurts and comes in many forms. The first way that I got to experience this is in my trauma therapy. In the last 6 months i’d say i’ve done some of the hardest work of my life. Through lots of tears, and even laughs, i’m happy to say I feel like i’m on the other side of this 10 year storm i’ve been weathering on and off. EMDR therapy and my therapist knowing how to work with people like my self who have DID has made all the difference. So much so that we are all thinking (my parts and I) of integrating even more then we are now. This means becoming even a fuller person then I am now. The parts and I have processed enough trauma that I now don’t need them to be separate beings of my personality. They’re jobs or roles are coming to a close. Now some of you may be thinking, oh this sounds sort of sad, aren’t you going to miss them? Well yes and no. The way I like to think of it is, my personality is like a pie. With a pie you have ingredients right? Sugar, flour, water, egg etc etc. Think of each part in a DID system as an ingredient. They serve an individual purpose on their own as well as being mixed together. The way we see integration is like this, once the trauma is processed and dealt with, those ingredients can start coming together into a delicious pie. So one part is the sugar, and mixes with the egg and flour, which are other parts. And sooner or later, you have a completed baked pie which is me Kay as the full fledged personality that you see walking around today. So just like in the pie, the parts inside aren’t really gone, they are just in a different form. This is just my experience and personal understanding of it, but this is why i’m not sad. Parts that were once separate, and now in the totality of the pie, I see them there, their traits, their likes and dislikes have become mine too. This may be a hard concept to someone who doesn’t have DID but one thing is true, it takes a LOT of work in therapy to get to this point. I’ve worked my entire life thus far to get to this point of being okay with not just the possibility of full or almost full integration, but it actually becoming a reality. Because i’ve made so many gains and strides in trauma therapy, I see my therapist now as needed also. Usually when something comes up inside that we want to work on that could lead to further integration down the line. Integration happens on it’s own for us, it’s not forced, its natural and sometimes it takes time and sometimes its a quick process.
Now the new thing to get used to is a life without so much therapy in it. Both OCD and trauma therapy. These breaks in therapy have allowed me to look at things about myself that I didn’t have the time or energy for because it was consumed by all this other stuff. One of the things I’ve taken a hard look at about myself is how I am in and view romantic relationships. I now understand this one thing: because of my abandonment issues from my trauma i’ve been jumping relationship to relationship and moving very quickly. One of two things happen (and maybe some of you out there can relate) 1. You jump in too quickly and find out the person isn’t who you thought they were, because you didn’t take the time to really know them, so you break it off with them, or 2. your afraid of getting hurt by them in some way so you leave the relationship before they can abandon you. For me personally i’ve had both things happen. I’ve been doing a lot of dating the last 3 months and just realized i’m not getting what I want in a relationship because of HOW i’m going about them. I had to take a long hard look at this pattern and why i’ve been doing it this way. And the reason is actually probably pretty common : we all want to be loved and cared for by someone. But what i’ve realized is, I can’t 1. make anyone love or care for me, 2. I have to love myself first, and 3. I don’t need to settle. Now these three lessons came at a high cost: for the first time in my life I experienced true heartbreak. Nobody prepares you for what that feels like and how awful it is. Being in love with someone and then finding out for various reasons you can’t be together, is something there is no handbook for. I have never felt so horrible in my life. But here’s why: for the first time in my life, I saw how I should be treated by a romantic partner. For the first time I was seen as worthy, and for my kindness and compassion, and strength and smarts (all his words). I was seen for the real me, flaws included. But in the mist of heartbreak, i’ve learned one thing, I now know what I want more then ever, and the bar is set high, but above anything else, I need to NOT jump into another relationship. I need to take the time to grieve the loss and go through the emotions. I see why people jump from person to person, they don’t want to feel the pain of heartbreak, but I dare say, it’s necessary. I’ve learned so much about myself in these last few weeks. Without the heartbreak, I wouldn’t know my own strength, my own capacity to see another point of view, and most of all I would have never understood my own self worth and that i’m worthy of love. So as weird as it is to say this, I have to thank that person and for breaking my heart because now I know what I deserve and what i’m looking for moving forward. This person has allowed me to take time to pause and really see myself for who I am, and what better gift is there then that of self love?
So it’s been a whirlwind of things in the last few months, but I am a better and different person because of it. My OCD and depression are managed, I’m doing very well in school, I’m becoming a fuller person and needing therapy less and less and I got to discover self love. There’s never a dull moment in my life, is there?
Stay tuned for exciting developments and what the future holds is bright and full of surprises!
Kay and Co.