PTSD Is A B****

So like the title says, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a real pain sometimes.  For those of you who don’t know it outside the context of soldiers coming back from a war, here’s some information on it :

What is PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life.

People with PTSD experience three different kinds of symptoms. The first set of symptoms involves reliving the trauma in some way such as becoming upset when confronted with a traumatic reminder or thinking about the trauma when you are trying to do something else. The second set of symptoms involves either staying away from places or people that remind you of the trauma, isolating from other people, or feeling numb. The third set of symptoms includes things such as feeling on guard, irritable, or startling easily.

Taken partially from here: http://www.ptsd.ne.gov/what-is-ptsd.html

Now how does this pertain to me you may be asking yourself.  For me it’s the reminder of something in present day that triggers something of the past.   It can be a person, a smell, something I see. Really anything.  But lately it’s the feeling of needing to be on guard and slightly irritable and being just overall jumpy.   This interfers with my life because I tend to isolate and not talk about what’s really bothering me.   I keep it all to myself as it swirls inside my head.  Sometimes like mentioned above, certain images or things replay in my head over and over. (That repetition  is part of OCD for me, it’s call rumination). This leads to feelings of depression and sadness and just a general feeling of despair and hopelessness.

Now most days, I do just fine. Depression and hopelessness are under control, but then something will trigger it.  I had a trigger a couple days ago but I don’t want to go into specifics. But, it’s enough to say that it has me rattled.

So I talked to my therapist about it and the conclusion I’ve come to after that conversation is I can’t let PTSD control me or my life. I need to continue to live my life despite being triggered and to just keep moving forward.  If I don’t do that, my abusers win.  The people that hurt me, win.  And more then anything I want to prove them wrong that I WILL be something and will DO something important.  In fact, I already have done something important in speaking my truth, speaking my story and sharing it with others.  That takes away the power they have. I’m stronger then they think I am, and I’m CHOOSING to take my power back.  I will not be silenced anymore! And yes, PTSD can be a real b*tch sometimes, but it only serves as a reminder of my own strength and drive to move on with my life and live it the way I want, not the way FEAR dictates how I will live.  So with that, i’ll thank the PTSD for showing me that i’m capable of so much!

 

Kay and others.