Lady Gaga and Til It Happens To You

I have thought about this long and hard before posting it because I think it NEEDS attention and someone else to talk about it.  I’m talking about Lady Gaga and her song at the OSCARS – “Til It happens to you”.   If you didn’t know, she wrote the song to raise awareness about sexual assault and how you have no idea what it feels like til it happens to you. (Hence the title of the song). Here’s the link to the song:

http://oscar.go.com/news/music-moments/lady-gaga-performs-til-it-happens-to-you-on-2016-oscars

I want to write that I too am a survivor of rape and sexual assault.  This may shock some of you and others may already know this. But I feel that if Lady Gaga can raise awareness on her platform, then who would I be to not raise awareness on mine?

So yes, rape and sexual assault does happen and it’s not talked about as often as it should be. It’s a tough topic and I understand that, but if more people came out about it, it’d make it easier for other survivors to feel less alone. That’s the ultimate reason why I’m talking about it. I’m hoping somebody reading will know they aren’t alone out there in this.  I also want to say that woman aren’t the only ones to be sexually assaulted. It can happen to boys and men too!   I think that’s something that doesn’t get mentioned enough either.  It’s not a gender specific thing. It can happen to anyone at anytime, at any age.

I’m speaking from personal experience. I was an infant when the assaults started, and my last assault was my freshmen year in college.  It’s unfortunate that it’s happened to me multiple times, but I KNOW that I’m not alone in that experience either, as sad as it is to say that.  But just like Lady Gaga, I’ve come out on the other side and decided to do something and speak out.

So with that I applaud her.  I applaud all survivors who have been through such a horrible thing.  And it’s true, until you have been through it, there’s no way you can possibly know what it feels like.  It actually changes you as a person and who you WOULD have become if it DIDN’T happen to you. But honestly, as weird as it may sound, it made me part of the strong young woman I am today. Without it I don’t think I’d have the empathy I do toward people who suffer from all types of pain. Takes one to know one as the saying goes. That’s not to say however, that those who haven’t gone through it can’t be compassionate towards those who have.  I have found so much support through this blog and social media in terms of hard topics and talking about them. People have been nothing but kind and I am truly grateful for that.

So those are just some of my thoughts on a very difficult topic that I could write pages and pages on.

 

Kay

PTSD Is A B****

So like the title says, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a real pain sometimes.  For those of you who don’t know it outside the context of soldiers coming back from a war, here’s some information on it :

What is PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)?

PTSD, or Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, is a psychiatric disorder that can occur following the experience or witnessing of a life-threatening events such as military combat, natural disasters, terrorist incidents, serious accidents, or physical or sexual assault in adult or childhood. Most survivors of trauma return to normal given a little time. However, some people will have stress reactions that do not go away on their own, or may even get worse over time. These individuals may develop PTSD. People who suffer from PTSD often relive the experience through nightmares and flashbacks, have difficulty sleeping, and feel detached or estranged, and these symptoms can be severe enough and last long enough to significantly impair the person’s daily life.

People with PTSD experience three different kinds of symptoms. The first set of symptoms involves reliving the trauma in some way such as becoming upset when confronted with a traumatic reminder or thinking about the trauma when you are trying to do something else. The second set of symptoms involves either staying away from places or people that remind you of the trauma, isolating from other people, or feeling numb. The third set of symptoms includes things such as feeling on guard, irritable, or startling easily.

Taken partially from here: http://www.ptsd.ne.gov/what-is-ptsd.html

Now how does this pertain to me you may be asking yourself.  For me it’s the reminder of something in present day that triggers something of the past.   It can be a person, a smell, something I see. Really anything.  But lately it’s the feeling of needing to be on guard and slightly irritable and being just overall jumpy.   This interfers with my life because I tend to isolate and not talk about what’s really bothering me.   I keep it all to myself as it swirls inside my head.  Sometimes like mentioned above, certain images or things replay in my head over and over. (That repetition  is part of OCD for me, it’s call rumination). This leads to feelings of depression and sadness and just a general feeling of despair and hopelessness.

Now most days, I do just fine. Depression and hopelessness are under control, but then something will trigger it.  I had a trigger a couple days ago but I don’t want to go into specifics. But, it’s enough to say that it has me rattled.

So I talked to my therapist about it and the conclusion I’ve come to after that conversation is I can’t let PTSD control me or my life. I need to continue to live my life despite being triggered and to just keep moving forward.  If I don’t do that, my abusers win.  The people that hurt me, win.  And more then anything I want to prove them wrong that I WILL be something and will DO something important.  In fact, I already have done something important in speaking my truth, speaking my story and sharing it with others.  That takes away the power they have. I’m stronger then they think I am, and I’m CHOOSING to take my power back.  I will not be silenced anymore! And yes, PTSD can be a real b*tch sometimes, but it only serves as a reminder of my own strength and drive to move on with my life and live it the way I want, not the way FEAR dictates how I will live.  So with that, i’ll thank the PTSD for showing me that i’m capable of so much!

 

Kay and others.

 

 

 

 

That nasty thing nobody wants to talk about

*This may be a disturbing topic for some readers, please use self care*

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Still not feeling 100%  better. I think I just have a bad head cold or something.   It was a hard day ocd thought wise and had to work really hard not to get up and wash my hands multiple times.  It is so hard to resist because I’m coughing some.  So I feel like hand washing (even though I don’t cough into my hand) is a legit reason.  I took a shower and I also caught myself re-washing so I got out of there as quickly as I could.  It’s hard to explain but it just doesn’t feel right.  So knowing what I learned at the OCD clinic, I got out even though that “right” feeling wasn’t there.  I distracted myself by reading for a bit. I really hope I get rid of this head cold soon so my brain will not be consumed with these contamination thoughts. It’s seriously hard to manage not feeling well AND the thoughts that I’m going to die from this cold. (I realize that’s irrational as I type it) but it FEELS real, like a real possibility.

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In other news I have therapy tomorrow and Friday. I see my therapist twice a week for now because we are in the mists of talking about and processing memories around my childhood sexual abuse.  It’s a very difficult topic and it has taken several sessions to just be able to talk about it directly and not in abstract/distant ways.  It’s going to be difficult to continue this conversation with my therapist and I know others inside will also have stuff to say and I’ll have to be strong enough to hear their experiences. This process of hearing parts of myself talk is called Co-Consciousness. I share my existence with the part that is telling that piece of the story.  I listen and feel what a specific part might be saying.  The hardest part for me in staying present in this process is the feelings. For so long I’ve blocked them out and stored them with the parts that hold the memories.  To finally have them and feel them is very overwhelming. I can do it in small small bursts.  The last 1/3 of the session is usually getting myself grounded enough to leave. It’s hard to open up the various “boxes” and close them back up enough to be able to function in my life, all within an hour and a half period.  A lot of people with DID tend to feel that there is never enough time to get to everybody in one therapy session.   The way we manage it is everyone inside gets turns to speak with my therapist. This is part of why I see her twice a week.  We decide week to week who’s going to have a turn and for how long.  Depending on the topic, someone can have both sessions within the week. That’s the case this week.  Red (responsible for relationships of all types, including romantic) has the floor this week. She’s the one that holds the trauma of the childhood sexual abuse.

I realize that this topic of childhood sexual abuse is hard for some of you to know about for one reason or another. Maybe because I may have never shared it before widely like this, and only with specific people. Or maybe it’s because people don’t want to think of such a thing happening (even though we secretly know it happens all around us) to someone they care about.  And another reason, I had to come to terms with, is that I’m a statistic. 1 in 4 girls are/will be victim to some sort of sexual abuse/assault within  their life time.  But I’m also more than that. I’m a survivor and no longer a victim. I had to learn this in therapy and still a work in progress.  It’s part of why I admit and speak out that it happened to me for the first 6 years of my life and then on and off by an authority figure til the age of 16. I want to put it out there that yes, it does in fact happen. And I kept  the 8-16 years of abuse secret from everyone til the age of 19 when I finally told my mom.   You may ask why? Why not tell someone, go to the police, something?! And honestly? I was scared I wouldn’t be believed and this person made me feel like it was going to be my word against theirs.  You have to remember I was a kid/teenager. It’s not always that black and white of telling someone.  I continue to deal with this in my current therapy as well.  I have not spoken of it outside of therapy and my mom before. So please know how HARD it was to write this. I do this because I am not going to be silenced any longer. This person no longer is going to have power over me. I deserve to have a voice!

I hope that this helps someone see that they can reach out if they are being sexually abused (or any type of abuse). Find one person you trust.  Someone will listen.  I wish someone had told me that growing up. If I had known and wasn’t so scared (and threatened) I would have spoke up sooner. I hope who ever reads this knows that if they are being abused, they are WORTHY of being helped!

I know this was a heavy entry tonight but this is the sort of stuff that I have to wrestle with within my head every day.  I may look fine or normal on the outside, and even be happy, but really I’m trying to manage all this stuff and processing and integrating all the trauma from my life.  It’s exhausting at times and now people will know what it’s really like for me.  I hope to shed light on how difficult it is for a person who’s had sexual abuse in childhood.  How it continues to effect me even years later.

Lastly a quote comes to mind : “ There are people out there fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind”.   This is what I hope people understand and carry forward within their own lives.  It’s likely that there are people in your own life who have dealt with sexual abuse.  It’s not just the things you hear on the news.

Til next time,

Kay and Red