So It’s been awhile since I posted anything about OCD. Well today I had my 5 week check up with my OCD therapist. The purpose was to go over the progress I made in the last month or so and then come up with new goals. The short version is that things are progressing nicely and as they should. I’m doing great changing up my routine every day, being okay with things not being perfect, cooking for myself and going shopping with my gram. I’m less afraid of public bathrooms and don’t over-wash my hands. These are all good things that I’ve overcome with my OCD.
So the next step is to tackle the next thing on my hierarchy of OCD symptoms. This next one isn’t easy for me to talk about but I believe it needs to be brought to light more so people don’t think it doesn’t exist or isn’t common. What am I talking about? I’m talking about working with sexual obsessive thoughts. Some of you might be like, what?! But yes, it’s a real thing. It’s real to those who suffer from a type of OCD called “pure O”. So some obsessions and worries that people with these type of OCD have are, being afraid of molesting children around them, or afraid of molesting their own child if they have children (I currently don’t), or having thoughts or images of incest or bestiality. These are disturbing thoughts for anyone to have, but for an OCD sufferer like me, the difference is that I’ve attached meaning to these thoughts and think that they reflect who I am as a person. What I’ve learned however is my thoughts do not dictate my actions or values as a human being. Deep down I know I’d never hurt a child or anyone for that matter. Nor have I ever acted out on any of those thoughts. It’s no different than me having the fleeting thought of “oh what if I hit someone with my car” or “what if I drastically turn my wheel into on -coming traffic?” We’ve all had thoughts like this, but most people who don’t’ have OCD, let the thought pass and move on. As someone with OCD, the thoughts repeat and I ruminate and feel shame and guilt for the thoughts. I’m writing about this today because I want to de-mystify the beliefs that people have about OCD and what it consists of. I know I’m focusing on taboo thoughts that most of us don’t want to admit thinking about but it’s no different than being afraid of germs and washing your hands. The only difference is that the rituals are all in one’s mind. It’s not outwardly noticeable the struggle going on within. Am I a bad person, am I a monster, am I really capable of doing something so horrible? These are all questions I struggle with. It’s almost harder to explain to people that I have a rarer type of OCD because the media gives people a specific view of what OCD is. For more information on “Pure O” OCD and Sexual obsessions, you can go to the International OCD foundation website. There you will find information on other types of OCD such as Harm OCD, Religious themed OCD (known as scrupulosity), Germ OCD etc etc.
What I’m basically trying to say is, this PURE O OCD with sexual obsessions is more common than most people think. It’s because of the shame and embarrassment that it doesn’t get more attention because people don’t want to be judged. That’s the number 1 reason why I hadn’t come out to my family and closest friends about these obsessions. I didn’t want to be thought of as crazy or for people to mistake me as someone as dangerous. So I kept my struggles to myself until 2 years ago. I trusted a therapist and talked to her about my disturbing thoughts. She had another client with similar obsessions and ended up getting me to get diagnosed with OCD.
What I want other’s out there to know is- if someone comes to you with something like this, listen and don’t pass judgement. It’s a real condition and help the person seek treatment from a qualified professional. They are coming to you because they are at their wits end trying to keep the horror they feel inside a secret. I also want people to know that there is hope. Through therapy I am learning how to be accepting of these thoughts as just that- thoughts. That they do NOT define me as a person. They are just my OCD talking. And when I allow them to pass through, and don’t attach special meaning, they slowly disappear. I’m putting this on my blog in hopes that someone else see’s it that’s struggling with similar thoughts, and then realizes they aren’t alone. The isolation is the worst part about this type of OCD. You feel like you can’t tell anyone- but the truth is, you can. If I can do it, so can you. It’s not an easy road, but it’s possible.
So from here I’ll be confronting my thoughts head on, and over time they will get less and less bothersome. Eventually I will have it under control and know how to handle those thoughts as they come up. It will NOT control my life. I will be that social person I once was, and won’t be afraid to be around others in fears that I’ll have an intrusive thought. I want to get back to the person I once was: not afraid to be social and tackle the world.
A Little Of This And That 